I have always been a people pleaser. Usually a little too much so. I used to be really easy going about it - I never expected anything in return, not even any recognition. I just kind of did it. But lately my patience in that area has been running out. I suppose that it 's because I'm older now and I've developed a better concept of respect and have learned to stand up for myself. Maybe it's also because I've just worn myself out giving too much. Or maybe over the years the number of people who take it for granted has built up to the point where I can't overlook it anymore.

What hurts me the most is that some of the people closest to me are guilty of it. I feel as though they almost expect that I will just do whatever they need for them and I don't even get a simple "thank-you" from them. It's aggravating and it also makes me question our relationships. Are they using me? Do they really see nothing wrong with their behavior? Do they really have as little respect for me as they display?

I suppose in that situation most people would just stop doing things for others but I must be a glutton for punishment because I can't seem to stop myself. That sounded really arrogant. How do I rephrase that? I really just don't know how to say no, particularly when it comes to those closest to me. I enjoy taking care of people and I really do like to please people. What I really need is to learn how to stand up for myself even more so and to set solid limits to allowing people to more or less use me. Don't get me wrong - I realize that a lot of people don't mean to act like that and don't realize what they're doing - but I do need to find an effective and polite way to point that out - for my sake and for the sake of my friendships.

Cliche as it sounds, my job really isn't easy and there are a lot of times when I wonder if it's really for me. I lose sleep worrying about my clients and it's amazing how nasty people can be even when you're trying to help them. But every once in a while, I meet a new client who reminds me of why I took this job and actually makes me want to stay in this field. When they finally get all set up and settled in I'm genuinely happy for them and I actually want to thank THEM for keeping me focused on what's important.

Whenever I'm driving down 95 and I see that the staties have pulled someone over, I think to myself "what the HELL could they have done to get pulled over?!" Everyone is doing 70 or better when the speed limit is 55 so they couldn't have been speeding...unless the cops haven't noticed that using one ridiculously unlucky speeder as an example isn't really working. And how much would your life have to suck to be that guy?

No, I imagine it to be something like this:
Trainee: Sir, that one! He's going 80 mph!
Officer: No. That one. Headlight out. That one's mine. (in a Clint Eastwood voice, of course)

Some Random Thoughts about Driving

There are few things more aggravating than when you're angry at someone and you can't get your horn to honk. You just look like you're really pissed at your steering wheel...or like you have no control over your arms. Then you just get more aggravated, so you scream but you're in your car so they can't hear you and then you look like you have torrets. Then you realize you're being an asshole and either pass them or deal with it.

Are all hybrid drivers assholes? I don't know what it is, but I swear to God every time I get stuck behind someone driving a Prius they are doing 60 in the fast lane and refuse to move and are COMPLETELY oblivious to my indications that they are too slow and are wearing on my patience. Like, is it not fuel efficient enough to match the speed of the person crawling up your ass? Do they just not go above 60? Or is the whole fuel efficiency thing just bull shit and in actuality your speedometer says 80 when you're only doing 60 so you think your car is fuel efficient but it's actually just slow?

And school buses in the fast lane. WHAT IS THAT? I mean, I know a carload of screaming kids is a nightmare, but are you actively trying to kill them and yourself? Especially the minivan buses. Seriously, just quit.

Finally, I wish parallel parking didn't exist. Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a pretty good driver. I mean, I have momentary lapses, but I'm not bad...then you see me attempt to parallel park and MAN that's embarassing. I had to get out of the car and have a man parallel park for me the other day. Do you know what that feels like for a Smithie to do? To admit defeat to the man?! So now I'm determined. I am going to go out and practice and parallel park EVERYWHERE. Even when it's not necessary just because I'll be able to. OK actually, I really hate it and will probably avoid it at all costs even if I miraculously become good at it.

For the first time in a long time I am truly content. I know what I want...the only possible problem is that I'm too afraid to say it out loud. Solution to that problem: enjoy the here and now and lately I've been enjoying every minute of it.

Some long-suppressed rants

On Curt Schilling:
If Curt Schilling replaces Ted Kennedy is Congress I am out of this country so fucking fast your heads will spin. He supported the Bush administration and the Iraq War from the start - those facts in and of themselves are proof that either he is not playing with a full deck or that he suffers from terribly poor judgment. The problem is that a disturbing number - indeed perhaps a majority - of Americans are so stupid that they would vote for someone simply based on name recognition and fame rather than qualifications. Here's the thing: being a big mouth does NOT qualify you to hold public office. Here's a lesson in civics: the Senate is perhaps the most important entity in our government. The President cannot do ANYTHING without Congressional approval and the Senate is the major veto power. In fact, the Senate was deliberately designed by the founding fathers to reign supreme in Congress because the House is more directly responsive to the whims of the public - the same public who elected an unqualified actor to the presidency in the 60s. Case and point. So before you think of the bloody sock and start drooling and subsequently relinquish your civil liberties and any hope of policies that benefit the majority of Americans rather than the wealthy few, please consider the consequences of your check mark in that voting booth.

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On the Cord Blood Registry:
Oh look, another indicator that the wealthy are valued over the average American: it is so expensive to preserve your baby's cord blood that only the wealthy can afford to do so; THEREFORE, only the children of wealthy people deserve to be cured of otherwise untreatable conditions and illnesses. And that brings us back to the healthcare debate: if you don't have the moeny to pay for your treatment, oh well. Good luck with that cancer! Why should someone who was not born in to wealth have to suffer while someone who just fell into the lap of luxury gets world class treatment? Why should someone who works themselves to the bone at a job that doesn't provide ample benefits have to die? Why should the poor be denied treatment they need to survive? Isn't the right to life one of the long-revered "inalienable" rights that Americans like to brag about so much? The US is the ONLY Democratic country in the world that doesn't care if its citizens live or die. How can we possibly brag about being the land of the free, the greatest country in the world, the country that guarantees you life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness when we can't even provide our citizens with the basics needed to acheive those things? It's all a lie if we don't take care of each other.

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On the elderly:
Turn in your driver's license NOW. What is up with this summer? They're picking people off left and right! It's like an epidemic! I just don't understand it. And those of you who think that mandatory driver's tests for the elderly is age-based discrimination and a violation of civil rights: fuck you. The right to run innocent people over is not a civil right. If it's a matter of public safety and well-being it is permissible for the government to enact such "discriminatory" statutes.

Coming home to Merilee and Jacey yelling my name to come play from across the street is quite possibly the best way to come home from a long day at work. I know they don't necessarily remember how much time I spent with them, but I remember taking care of them as infants and now that they're walking and talking they're even more fun. They're the sweetest, most loving kids and I can't help but smile even when they're misbehaving. And they're definitely more fun than most of my clients.Miss Jacey

Miss Merilee